


He Won't Tell You That He Loves You, But He Loves You

by fallenforsupernatural



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe-Childhood Friends, F/M, M/M, Random Christmas schmoop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-24
Updated: 2013-12-24
Packaged: 2018-01-05 21:31:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1098815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fallenforsupernatural/pseuds/fallenforsupernatural
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen and Jared are best friends. Enter Christmas, toy cars, and sundaes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	He Won't Tell You That He Loves You, But He Loves You

**Author's Note:**

> Enjoy this random story about Jensen and Jared.

_“You’re in a car with a beautiful boy, and he won’t tell you that he loves you, but he loves you. And you feel like you’ve done something terrible, like robbed a liquor store, or swallowed pills, or shoveled yourself a grave in the dirt, and you’re tired. You’re in a car with a beautiful boy, and you’re trying not to tell him that you love him, and you’re trying to choke down the feeling, and you’re trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you’ve discovered something you didn’t even have a name for.”_

_-Richard Silken_

 

Jared met Jensen when they were five years old. Jared’s limbs were too big for his body and he wasn’t very good at sports or games that the other kindergarteners were playing. So Jared played with his toy cars on the playground while everyone else ran around with their friends. It didn’t matter to Jare. He was happy with his toys and his friends, or lack thereof. There was no one to bother him or steal his things or make annoying comments about how awkward Jared was.

Sometimes his mom looked at him sadly, especially when Jeff brought home friends for playdates. Jared hung out alone, or with his little baby sister.

And when the new kid, Jensen Ackles, joined their kindergarten class, Jared was shocked when the boy sat next to him.

“Hi,” Jared said brightly. “I’m Jared!”

Jensen ducked his head shyly. “Jensen.”

“I’ve never heard that name before.”

Jensen blushed deeply. “I know.”

“No!” Jared said quickly. “I mean, I like it. Jared’s so boring, you know?”

“I like your name,” Jensen mumbled. “At least no one thinks it’s dorky.”

“Yeah, but _I’m_ dorky,” Jared said. “That’s why I don’t have many friends.” The last part came out quiet.

“Well, I’m new, so I don’t have any friends either,” Jensen replied.

“I’ll be your friend, Jensen.”

Jensen beamed. “I’ll be your friend, too, Jared.”

Jared and Jensen became inseparable. Jared shared his toy cars with Jensen, and Jensen taught Jared how to make ice cream sundaes. Jensen came over to Jared’s house almost every day, and they would jump on Jared’s bed until his mom came upstairs and told them they would break the ceiling. But she was always smiling, so Jared didn’t take her that seriously.

When a bully made fun of Jared for being small and clumsy, Jensen punched him in his face even though the bully was at least twice Jensen’s size. But his nose was bleeding and he started crying. After that, no one bullied Jared.

School always seemed easier for Jensen that it did for Jared. As they got older, Jensen became more handsome and popular. Jared grew, too, but he was gangly and uncoordinated where Jensen was graceful and talented. Jared waited for that inevitable day where Jensen would look at Jared and decided that he didn’t want to hang around the dorky kid who couldn’t walk down the hallway without tripping over his too big feet. In 7th grade, Jared confessed his fear to Jensen. Jensen laughed and said, “Why would I hang out with anyone else? You’re my best friend, Jay, don’t be ridiculous.” And then he and Jared went out for ice cream.

High school was different. Jensen joined the football team, and suddenly, _everyone_ noticed Jensen. Jared knew for sure that his friendship with Jensen was in jeopardy now.

“I’m so tired,” Jensen dropped onto Jared’s bed unceremoniously. “And really fucking sore.”

“Yeah, getting beat up by other sweaty guys will do that to you.”

“Football and all its glory,” Jensen mumbled. “Remind me not to try out next year.”

“Yeah, you can be a cheerleader instead, Jenny.”

“Don’t you have homework to do?”

“Don’t _you_ have homework to do?” Jared shot back.

Jensen stuck his tongue out at him. “I figured I’d make you do it.”

Jared pulled Jensen into a headlock and ruffled his hair. “In your dreams, Ackles.”

Jensen laughed and shoved at him. “Gonna play basketball in the spring?”

“No,” Jared said quickly. “Why would I?”

“Dude, you’re good,” Jensen said. “We play in the backyard all the time and you kick my ass.”

“Cuz I’m taller.”

“No, dumbass, because you’re _good._ ” Jensen smirked. “I can even put on a skirt and be your cheerleader.”

“As long as I can do your makeup,” Jared teased right back.

“I’m gorgeous,” Jensen replied.

“Pretty as a princess.”

“I hate you.”

“Yeah, I’m sure.” Jared aimed for light and teasing, but when Jensen’s arm slid around his shoulders, Jared knew he missed it by a mile.

“Come on, Jay. You’re my best friend. I thought we’ve been over this.”

“Yeah, I know.”

Jensen pulled Jared into a tight hug. “Where’s my happy little five year old?”

“He wandered off with some toy cars.”

Jensen grinned against Jared’s cheek. Jared was finally taller than Jensen and it felt strange. “You were so cute with those toy cars.”

“Um, I have some pretty funny pictures of you with sundae all over your face.”

“You were going to get rid of those!” Jensen protested.

“No way, man, I need the blackmail material.”

“Go to hell.”

Jared scooped Jensen up and lifted him off his feet. “But I love you!”

Jensen laughed and hit Jared playfully. “Yeah, I love you too, you big dork.”

“Jerk.”

“Bitch.” Jensen poked Jared in the side. “Now come on, I need your help with math.”

“Don’t know why you can’t do it alone,” Jared grumbled. He was just teasing, though. He loved being able to help Jensen with something.

“What’re you doing for Christmas?” Jensen asked.

“Same thing as ever. Jeff’s coming home from college, though, so it’ll be nice to see him again.”

“Yeah, Josh is coming home too. But I think he has a _girlfriend_ ,” Jensen said. “He gets all doe-eyed when he talks about her. Mom thinks it’s cute, but Mack and I think it’s gross.”

“At least Josh _has_ a girlfriend,” Jared teased.

“How could I have a girlfriend if my heart belongs to you?” Jensen winked. Maybe it was selfish of Jared, but he liked having Jensen all to himself without a nosy girlfriend to get in the way.

“Hey, Jensen?” Jared bit his lip. He’d been working up the courage to tell Jensen this for weeks.

“What’s up, Jay?” Jensen’s tone was concerned.

“I think… I think I’m gay,” Jared blurted. There, it was out there, and now he just had to wait for Jensen’s reaction.

“Okay,” Jensen said.

“Okay?” Jared stared at him incredulously. “I was petrified to say that and you say ‘okay’?”

“Jared,” Jensen said, “I don’t care if you’re gay, straight, or asexual. Now if you were in to animals…”

Jared flipped him off, but he was smiling. He never should have been scared to tell Jensen anything, Jensen would care about him no matter what. It was the two of them against the world.

 

Jensen rang his doorbell at noon on Saturday, and declared that they were going to buy a Christmas tree. Jared just stared at him until he realized Jensen was serious. So they went out and bought the biggest tree they could find, brought it back to Jared’s house—Sherri scolded them, but she couldn’t conceal her excitement—and Jared, Jensen, and Megan decorated the tree while Jared’s mom made cookies. When they were done, the four of them admired the beautiful, colorful pine tree and ate cookies until they were sick.

 

Jared realized pretty quickly that his obsession with Jensen was a little bit beyond the realm of a normal friendship. For one, he couldn’t _stand_ it if anyone looked at Jensen like wanted to fuck him, especially not girls. He was very possessive of Jensen and hated sharing him with others. And once he’d acknowledged the fact that he was gay, Jared figured out pretty quick why he hated letting Jensen out of his sight.

Jared didn’t know when and didn’t know how, but somewhere along the way, Jared fell in love with Jensen. He decided he could pine in peace, though, because Jensen was still _his_ best friend and rarely hung out with anyone that wasn’t Jared. He could survive the horrible unrequited love as long as Jensen was his best friend.

Then Danneel Harris moved to Dallas.

 

“She’s amazing Jay—she’s just, god, she’s everything I want in a girl. Beautiful, smart, funny…” Jensen stared off dreamily.

“Yeah, she’s cool,” Jared agreed half-heartedly. For the past few days, it had all been “Danneel Harris this” and “Danneel Harris that”.

“I’m gonna ask her out,” Jensen declared. “And it’s December, so there’s mistletoe _everywhere_. Jay, this is gonna be awesome!”

Jared nodded. Jensen was so enthusiastic about this that Jared _had_ to support him. His job as a best friend was to make sure Jensen was as happy as possible, especially considering all that Jensen had done for him.

“How should I do it?” Jensen asked.

“What? Oh. Um, well, I don’t think it matters. I mean,” Jared rushed. “You’re awesome, you know? You’re the coolest guy I know, and Danneel is sure to agree to go out with you.”

Jensen nodded. “I’m gonna do it.” He sat up. “Yeah, I’m gonna be a man about this. Thanks, Jay, I’m gonna go call her now.” Jensen jumped up and ran out the door.

“What about-,” Jared heard the door slam, “our movie plans,” Jared finished to an empty room.

****** 

Jensen’s palms were sweating when he picked up the phone to call Danneel. He put the number in three times before he actually had the nerve to press _call_. In the middle of ringing, Jensen was tempted to hang up again, but Danneel answered.

“Hello?”

“Hi, it’s Jensen. From English.”

“Hey, Jensen!” Danneel chirped. “What’s up?”

“I was wondering if you wanted to go out with me,” Jensen said.

“Is Jared busy tonight?”

“I dunno. Probably not.”

“Huh. You two always seemed attached at the hip, is all.”

Jensen laughed. “He’s been my best friend all my life. It’d be weirder being away from Jared than spending all my time with him.”

Danneel laughed along with him. “Cool. Well, I’d love to go out with you.”

“Tonight?” Jensen asked hopefully. _Oh, no, that’s way to eager_.

“Tonight,” Danneel confirmed. “Pick me up at 6? I’ll text you my address.”

Jensen was bouncing with excitement. “Totally!” He couldn’t wait to tell Jared!

 ****

Jared was still trying to finish his math homework when Jensen called him. Maybe he was calling because he still wanted to hang out with Jared tonight! He answered the phone with a huge grin. “Hello?”

“She said yes!” Jensen exclaimed. “Danneel and I are going out on a date tonight!”

Jared wanted to die. “Awesome! I knew she’d go out with you!” He faked happiness, and was grateful that Jensen couldn’t see his watery eyes.

Jensen was rambling on how he had to figure out how to act and what to wear because “… I mean, you’re practically a girl anyways, so I figured you’d know this stuff. And you always look nice. So can you come over and help me?”

Jared’s shoulders slumped. Jensen wanted Jared to go over to his house and pretend to act excited about the date? The date with Danneel? The one that Jared wasn’t a part of? Soon, Jared would become irrelevant. Danneel was popular and beautiful and she’d introduce Jensen to the world of popular and Jared would be left alone with his stupid, broken toy cars.

“I can’t, I have a lot of homework,” Jared lied. “And I really wanna get a good grade on this chem test.”

“Yeah, I get it. I’ll tell you how the date goes, okay?”

 _Please don’t_. “Sure. Just call me when it’s over.”

“Well, that might be pretty late, so why don’t I call you tomorrow?” Jensen suggested.

Jared bit his lip. Danneel and Jensen staying out late. Jensen was funny and sweet and he’d charm Danneel off her feet in no time. “Yeah,” Jared said. “Call me.”

“Jay? Are you alright?” Jensen asked. Oh, shit, maybe the hurt hadn’t ben as concealed as Jared thought it was.

“Yeah, I’m fine, just stubbed my toe on this damn desk.” Jared sniffed. “It really hurts.”

“Jay, I can come over if something’s wrong-,”

“No!” Jared exclaimed. “No, go on your date! Enjoy it. And call me tomorrow, okay?”

“Yeah, alright,” Jensen agreed softly. “Hey, Jared?”

“Hm?”

“You know you’re my best friend, right? And I love you. You can tell me if something’s wrong.”

“Really, I’m okay.” Jared sniffed again. “I’ve gotta go.”

“Bye, Jay.”

“Bye.” Jared hung up quickly. It’ll all be okay in the morning. Jared stood up shakily and made his way into bed. It was only 5:00, but Jared felt exhausted. He started to cry, and hardly noticed when Megan snuck in and put her arm around Jared.

 *****

“…And then, he finds these two dogs, right? Harley and Sadie. And Jared just _had_ to get them from the pound because he wanted rescue dogs. He’s so adamant about helping animals, that’s why I know he’s going to make a great vet someday. What was I saying? Oh, yeah, Sadie and Harley. They were just puppies, but Sadie seemed like a big sister taking care of Harley, and Harley was playful and bouncing everywhere. But his feet were too big and he kept tripping, and Megan said it was just liked me and Jared.” Jensen smiled at the memory.

Danneel chuckled and started in on her own story. Jensen tried to follow, but his mind wandered to Jared alone in his room. He’d sounded so sad on the phone, the same kind of sad he felt when Sadie broke her leg. He’d cried for hours until Jared’s mom and Jensen managed to convince Jared that Sadie would be perfectly healthy in a few months.

“Hey, Jensen?” Danneel said. They had just finished dinner at the little Italian place Jared found in 8th grade. It was cheap and the food was good. “Have you been listening?”

Jensen felt like an asshole. “I’m sorry, I was just thinking-,”

“About Jared,” Danni finished. Jensen hung his head in embarrassment.

“I’m sorry. I really am having a good time. He just sounded a little upset when I talked to him on the phone, and I sort of look out for the kid.”

“I love hearing these stories about Jared, I really do. They’re adorable and you two seem like the perfect pair.” She bit her lip.

“Danni, what’s up?” Jensen asked.  Was he going to get dumped before the second date?

“I guess… you shouldn’t be here with me.”

Jensen’s shoulders slumped. “Oh. Yeah. Um, I shouldn’t have—sorry, I can take you home. The movie probably won’t be good anyways.”

Danni, to Jensen’s surprise, laughed. “You promised me a movie, Ackles, and we’re going. You just… when you talk about Jared, your whole face lights up and you get this sparkle in your eyes.”

“I’m confused.”

Danni sighed. “When I first came here, I was more shocked to hear that you two _weren’t_ a couple than if you were. You two just click, you know? And the way he looks at you—like you hung the moon, Jensen. That boy is so in love with you he can’t even think straight.”

“What? That’s insane. Jared doesn’t love me.”

“Jensen, of course he does!” Danneel exclaimed. “You said he sounded upset on the phone? I can guess right away that you were talking about the date.”

“That doesn’t mean-,”

“He follows you around everywhere, Jensen, and every day you drop your pencil and forget to put it away, but Jared always picks it up and slips it into your bag. He loves you, Jensen, and you love him.”

“But not like, you know, _like_ like.”

Danneel smiled. “That doesn’t sound second grade at all.”

Jensen smiled briefly. “I don’t, though. He’s just my friend.”

“All you can think about is Jared, even when you’re on a date. He makes you smile, Jensen, a smile so big it could light up the sun.”

“That’s Jared’s smile,” Jensen corrected. “He even has dimples.”

Danneel raised an eyebrow. “Sure, you’re not in love with him at all.”

“I’m not gay,” Jensen protested.

“It’s not about being gay, Jensen,” Danneel told him. “It’s about being in love.”

“Love… I can’t be.”

“Why not?” Danneel pressed. “He makes you smile, you make him laugh. When I see you together, you’re always messing around with each other. I see you after football practice, bone tired and sore, but Jared meets you after school and you look like a little kid on Christmas. Jensen, love doesn’t have to be a boy and a girl. Love can just be… love.”

Jensen thought about it. Maybe he did feel better when Jared was around. And Jared’s smile pretty much made Jensen’s day, especially when he was the one that put it there. Jared never held back when he laughed and it was infectious. He was shy with strangers, but loving and outgoing with his family and friends. Jensen often wondered why people weren’t falling over themselves to get to know Jared. He was so wonderful and special and Jensen loved him.

Jensen _loved_ him.

“I love Jared,” Jensen breathed.

Danneel clapped her hands. “Bingo!”

“Oh, Danni, I’m sorry, I ruined our date,” Jensen said sadly.

She snorted. “Are you kidding? I’ve been praying you two would get together since the moment I set eyes on you guys.”

“So why’d you agree to go out with me?” Jensen asked.

She shrugged. “I figured it was the best way to tell you that you’re in love with Jared.”

“You’re devious.”

Danneel grinned. “But you love me. Oops, sorry, you love _Jared_.”

Jensen laughed. “Shut up.”

“Movie time?”

“Movie time,” Danni agreed. When they walked under mistletoe, neither of them made any effort to kiss. Jensen was in love with someone else.

 

Jensen’s plan was to drop Danni off at home when their date was over, and then burst into Jared’s house dramatically and tell Jared that he loved him. Then they would kiss, and Jensen would hang mistletoe all over their houses so he could use it as an excuse to kiss Jared whenever he wanted. And then they would open presents together on Christmas morning and Jared would smile his beautiful smile and they could thank each other with kisses.

But when Jensen got home, he dropped straight into bed. “I’ll just close my eyes for a few minutes,” Jensen promised. “Then I’ll go find Jared.”

 

The beep of an alarm clock woke Jensen up. His eyes shot open and he smashed the snooze button on the alarm. “What time ‘s it?” His eyes widened. “Fuck, it’s almost noon!”

He promised Jared he would call him. Jensen said he would call him in the morning, and it was almost noon. He flung the covers off and ignored the cold air that hit his body. “Phone, phone, gotta find the phone.”

Jensen’s room was a fucking mess. Jared always told him to clean it or he would lose things, and Jensen would wave it off. But Jared was right. Jensen flung his cellphone somewhere last night and he didn’t have a prayer in finding it in this mess.

When he did find it, the phone was dead. He plugged it in and willed the phone to charge, but it was 12:15. It didn’t matter; Jensen had Jared’s number memorized and could just use the home phone.

Except Jensen’s mom was on it.

He couldn’t just barge in and demand he use the phone. But it didn’t look like Donna was going to end the conversation any time soon so Jensen raced upstairs and checked the charge on his phone. 10%. “It’ll have to do,” Jensen decided.

He called Jared, but he didn’t answer. Jensen tried three times and all three times the call went to voicemail. It wasn’t like Jared to not answer his phone and he certainly wasn’t sleeping—Jared made it a rule not to sleep past 8 on any given day.

Whatever. Phones were stupid anyways. Jensen grabbed his jacket ran out the door, yelling, “I’m going to Jared’s!” over his shoulder.

He ran to his best friend’s house and knocked on the door frantically. “I’m coming, I’m coming!” Sherri’s voice said. When she opened the door, Jared’s mom greeted, “Hi Jensen! Nice to see you!”

“Is Jared here?” Jensen asked.

“Yes, he’s upstairs.” She frowned. “He shut himself in there around 5:00 yesterday and hasn’t come out since. He hasn’t even come down for food, Jensen, did something happen?”

“Maybe. I dunno. I’m here to check on him.”

“Well, if anyone can help him, it’s you. That boy worships you.”

“I love him too,” Jensen said. “I really have to—um,”

“Oh, yes, of course.” Sherri stepped aside and let Jensen enter the house. He knew the way to Jared’s room like the back of his hand, and could make his way upstairs blindfolded with his hands behind his back.

“Jared!” Jensen said. “Jared, it’s Jensen, can you open the door?”

“’M not feeling well,” Jared replied.

“It’s just me. I just want to see you.”

“I’m okay, you can leave,” Jared snapped. Woah. Jared had never snapped at Jensen, not once, and they’d known each other 12 years.

Jared’s door didn’t have a lock, and it was only respect for privacy that prevented people from entering his room. Jensen long ago gave up on respecting Jared’s privacy, since it had pretty much become non-existent. So he only felt a little guilty at opening the door and stepping in.

Jared was still under the covers. “I said go away,” Jared mumbled.

“I heard you.” Jensen peeled back the covers and snuggled next to Jared. “And I decided to ignore you.”  

Jared didn’t reply, but he didn’t push Jensen out of the bed. In fact, Jared shifted so his head was burrowed in the crook of Jensen’s neck. “You’re not okay, Jared.”

“No, I’m not.”

“Can I tell you about the date?”

Jared pulled away and Jensen’s arms felt empty. “I don’t want to hear about your fucking date.”

Jensen pressed on. “I thought about you the entire time. Danneel probably knows more about you than me, because that’s what I talked about. And after dinner, she made me realize something else.” He combed a strand of hair away from Jared’s eyes. “I love you, Jared. And not just like a friend. And so I didn’t care if Danneel liked me or not. I only care about you, and how I left you here so sad.”

“You love me?” Jared repeated. “Me?”

“Yes, idiot, you. I love you like crazy. And it took a ruined date for me to realize that. It’s just you, Jared. It’s only ever been you. I’m sorry it took me so long to realize it.”

“I… wow.”

“This is usually the part where you say you love me, too,” Jensen joked.

“Oh, I do, Jensen, I _do_ love you!” Jared exclaimed. “So fucking much.”

“I don’t know why you didn’t tell me,” Jensen said.

“It was almost impossible for me to tell you I was gay. You think I had the guts to tell you I was in love with you?” Jared sat up. “I wanted to. When we were alone, just sitting together, I thought _now I should tell him. Now he should know that I love him, and I don’t even care he doesn’t love me back_. But I was too scared.”

“I love you,” Jensen whispered into Jared’s hair. “I love you. You never have to be scared again.”

“I’m not,” Jared promised. “Just really, really happy.” Then Jared smiled, and the sun shined brighter and his dimples appeared.

Jensen noticed a green, leafy plant on Jared’s nightstand. “Jay… is this mistletoe?”

Jared blushed. “I was gonna, you know, hang it above the doorway and try and trick you into standing under it with me.”

Jensen nuzzled Jared’s neck. “You’re so clever.”

“I hope that’s not sarcasm.”

“Me? Sarcastic? _Never_.”

“I hate you.”

“You love me.”

“I really do,” Jared murmured. He picked up the mistletoe and hung it over their heads. “Look.”

Jensen smiled up at the plant, then leaned in and kissed Jared. “Merry Christmas, Jay.”

“Merry Christmas, Jensen.”  

*****

Jared was snuggled up close to Jensen in front of the fireplace. "Today was nice."

"Yeah," Jensen agreed. "I love my present." He played with the silver necklace around his neck.

"It's sort of boring, but-,"

Jensen leaned over and kissed him, and Jared lost his train of thought. "It's perfect," Jensen replied. Jared felt bubbly. 

"Boys! Dinner!" Donna called. 

"Coming!" They yelled in unison. 

Jared rested his head on Jensen's shoulder. "You're my favorite Christmas present."

Jensen would have made fun of Jared's sappiness on any other day, but on Christmas, he wouldn't say a word. Especially since he felt the exact same way. 


End file.
